www.provincialthought.com Film Flam & Flik Flops: Movies to Miss by Maynord Monez

Night Nuisances

The Terrible Event

Curse of the Pencil

Iron Neck and the Wringer

Scientist invents deadly virus, decides to turn it loose upon the world (for lack of an easier target), an intruder becomes contaminated and dies, the scientist finds the body and half a rat from which the delirious intruder has eaten, the intruder is now a vampire, chases scientist, scientist lifts a trash can lid, revealing a cross on underside, then drives stake into vampire and dumps virus down the toilet, favoring the audience with an animated expression of “Whew!”

Carolina has run off with a gang of men from Rye Street, and husband, life shattered, ends up cashing in and goes to hell, where nothing much is happening; old Satan has died at last, and things just seem to have broken down.

Pencil leaves a trail of death, horror, and bad verse as all who come into contact with it get erased in terrible fashion. Weak priest tries to grind it away in a sharpener, but it is the priest who gets ground. School girl uses pencil to take over school, but then it is she who gets taken over, then spectacularly stabbed by dozens of pencils. More: the pencil can perfectly imitate anyone’s handwriting. . . And it hates being chewed on!

What happens when an unstoppable strangler meets an unsqueezable neck? The world of death explodes! Fit for earthworms.

A couple of silent flicks on the board for the very near future, none of much quality but entertaining in a home-movie sort of fashion:

Title has nothing to do with the cheap and tawdry content, which shall not be dignified with review.
Elazer, an old robed seeker of truth (what for?) and crusader for Right Thought (clearly a Quixotic head case), finds no ear among the poor, bland country people upon whom he springs his abstractions. Recurring attempts on his life are never explained.
The Preacher (never named) panics when Dr. Bean drowns during private baptism in Fat Beaver Creek, and the guilt of homicidal negligence magnified by deception is soon heaped upon him as he tries to hide the fact from God and man. The Preacher’s concerns are many, for he is a conscionable man, and he has little rest and few sandwiches in his mind-bending journey through the Great Book in search of the answer to his question: was Bean’s salvation consummated when he passed over? Meanwhile, the Preacher would like to be rid of the corpse, oblivious to societal mores respecting handling of the deceased, for in his words, “My duty is not to the body, but to the soul.” Incredible action (UNcredible action) sprinkled in with the heavy stuff, as somehow Bean won’t stay dead, threatening the Preacher’s blossoming romance (which, as much as his language in the drowning scene, is responsible for the film’s PG-13 rating).

Title has nothing to do with the cheap and tawdry content, which shall not be dignified with review.

Elazer, an old robed seeker of truth (what for?) and crusader for Right Thought (clearly a Quixotic head case), finds no ear among the poor, bland country people upon whom he springs his abstractions. Recurring attempts on his life are never explained.

The Preacher (never named) panics when Dr. Bean drowns during private baptism in Fat Beaver Creek, and the guilt of homicidal negligence magnified by deception is soon heaped upon him as he tries to hide the fact from God and man. The Preacher’s concerns are many, for he is a conscionable man, and he has little rest and few sandwiches in his mind-bending journey through the Great Book in search of the answer to his question: was Bean’s salvation consummated when he passed over? Meanwhile, the Preacher would like to be rid of the corpse, oblivious to societal mores respecting handling of the deceased, for in his words, “My duty is not to the body, but to the soul.” Incredible action (UNcredible action) sprinkled in with the heavy stuff, as somehow Bean won’t stay dead, threatening the Preacher’s blossoming romance (which, as much as his language in the drowning scene, is responsible for the film’s PG-13 rating).

`Surburbin Blight`
`In the Promotion of Right Thinking`
`The Consummation of Dr. Bean's Salvation`

In our ongoing campaign to discover and extirpate bad taste, gratuitous violence and unwonted sexual references in the cinema, we have compiled a list of recent films (some released only to drive-in theatres or direct to DVD) for our readers to avoid. Since these are all deemed unworthy we have dispensed with a rating system of stars or lemons or bananas or other indices. Use your own judgment, but you will be sorry if you ignore our advice.

The Journal of Provincial Thought

Film Flam & Flik Flops

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Obscurity Inutility

Maynord Monez

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