Compiled by Fester Gallupi
The kind of books that made 8th grade such a year of torment.
My Father Murdered a Kangaroo, by D. H. Lowrent. A novel often sung to the tune of the “Soldier’s Chorus” from Gounoud’s Faust, by the notorious author of the appalling regional romance, Sons and Glovers. Not recommended for those who love music or literature.
Uselessly, by Joyce James. The incomprehensible classic that put the “modern” in “streamline moderne.” Famous for pornographic maunderings almost impossible to find in 889 pages of teeny tiny agate type.
The Viagra of Waked Fools, by Allover Goldenstein. A pastiche of semi-erotic mutterings by a chronic ED sufferer, dictated to his squeamish pastor and written in some strange international language (Esperanto) known to only a few.
20,000 Leaks Under the Sea, by N. Emo. A sociological study of loos and public urinals located in offshore tunnels and other subaquatic locations in or near the
The Barn Fire of Van Tees, by Ima Wolf. A biting satire on the greed, sloth and other deadly sins of a bunch of middle-class people who neither wear all-white clothing nor seem to be seriously androgynous.
Honky-Buried Fiend, by Mark Dupp. The great Afro-American classic of alienation and subversion in the turbulent years of the Harlem Renaissance, by one who lived upstairs over Small’s
Confessions of a Just-in-Time Sinner, by Urah Hogg. The classic tale of rural youth abandoning animal molestation in favor of a long career with the Church of England. With 72 line illustrations by Andre Doria.
The Ball Jar, by Siliva Pratt. Autobiographical fudging from a fellow who was castrated by radical feminists and keeps his cojones (now bronzed) in a handy bedside receptacle.
Robinson’s Screw’s Sore, by Darnold Defoo. Often believed to be antiquarian pornography, this is actually a staggeringly prosaic tale of shipwreck, piracy, cannibalism and general misanthropy, disguised as a Born-Again Christian DIY manual.
Mopey Duck, by Ermine Meldrew. The beloved children’s classic in a brand-new in-time-for-Easter edition with pop-up illustrations by Franz Hals.
I Blew the Little Shepherd to Kingdom Come, by James Polk Drizzle. A turn-of-the-century household domestic dynamite drama mistakenly listed by Amazon as a “classic of gay porn,” owing to a confused reading of the title.
A Loom of One’s Own, by B’gonia Woof. The instruction book that launched a thousand self-liberated fabric-handlers and made linsey-woolsey wholly obsolete.
War and Pease and The Red Batch of Porridge, by Julia Childish. Cookbooks that cause drooling around the planet and also advocate simple living, meditation and pacifism for those with only time to kill.
Whose Sari Now? by Ramjet Flunderdub. A 997-page obsessively detailed whodunnit about a thunderbox-wallah (toilet attendant) in old Kalikut (once Calcutta), who witnesses a crime of aggravated mopery and is forced to turn sleuth to solve it, set in the last days of the Raj, among the jasmine and the mongeese.
Under Saturn’s Many Moons, by Robert Heinie. A sci-fi thriller set in the 32nd century, when Earth has been conquered by intelligent turtles from Centauri 5 and the exiled leaders of Terra plot a revolutionary return, aided by micro-robots too small for the turtles to see.
Zen and the Art of Camogy, by Gwyneth Llongbow. A desperate treatise on women’s hurling, by one who has hurled in 43 countries, counties and provinces.
Cuantalagusta, by Emilio Zaputa. A blindingly repetitive story of the invention of the foldable taco by Mayan wizards.
Prince and the Poopers, by I.B. O’Naquious. The entertainer formerly known as [a trombone-shaped squiggle] is dogged by incontinent groupies.
Whizzer in Oz, by Bruce B. Woofwoof. The national disgrace of public urination in
Ivan’s Ho, by Sir Puffe Diddye. The story of a hero, dude, brought down by a ho he wuz mackin and then like got dead.
Rebekah of Sonny’s Broke Farm, by Eeza Geezah. Life on a kibbutz as seen by a female veterinary surgeon with a severe sugar jones.
Copyright 2007 All Rights Reserved
Inutility
klassick books for feeble folk
| jptArchives |