Gnuer Gnus of the World Journal of Provincial Thought Issue 3

The Journal of Provincial Thought

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GNUER GNUS OF THE WORLD

Items culled from our Greater Antipodes File of JPT, smoking hot from presses down at the bottom of the globe, where gravity is weak while beer and women are strong.

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Listen up, John!

The AP recently sent round a plain, unvarnished yarn datelined Albuquerque, New Mexico, about the latest incursion of high technology into our most private moments. It relates how this western state, in the interest of protecting drinkers from themselves, has handed out $21@ for some 500 “talking urinal-deodorizer cakes” to be placed in men’s restrooms of drinking establishments

Now you may be tired of all those talking urinal-deodorizer stories, but this one has a twist: the devices have been field-tested in places as diverse as Colorado, Pennsylvania and Australia, regions known for hard drinking and frequent micturation. And the way this device talks to you is enough to make a bald-headed man part his hair in the middle:

           When a man steps up, the motion-sensitive plastic device says, in a
           woman's voice that is flirty, then stern: “Hey, big guy. Having a few
          drinks? Think you had one too many? Then it’s time to call a cab or
           call a sober friend for a ride home.”

After the initial shock and a moment to clean up, the urinal patron has a choice to make—or maybe several, including checking the reality of his situation with other restroom habitués. But the New Mexico Transportation Department believes this shock campaign will help lower the state’s sad record on drunk-driving offences.

The device’s optimistic message sends patrons on their way thoughtfully, ending, “Remember, your future is in your hand.” It’s enough to make you check and give the idea some sober consideration.

Reference: Talking toilets to lecture drinkers Otago (New Zealand) Daily
Times, February 17, 2007

—OK, but I draw the line at talking Biffies!

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Nun but the lonely heart

So, these nuns in Greece had an idea to set up a knitting business to while away the weary hours way up there near the border of Bulgaria, and they managed to go in the hole for 600,000+ euros. There were “55 sisters of the Sts Kirikos and Ioulitis monastery,” and they had gotten about 250,000 euros in bank loans, probably because they had God for a reference.

Then they took off and probably went to earth in a central Greece monastery. The Church of Greece wants them to fess up and deal with this malfeasance like stand-up holy sisters. So far, no go. They have disappeared like dropped stitches.

Reference: Nuns on the run Otago (New Zealand) Daily Times, February 1, 2007

—I always said knitting and godliness don’t mix

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Quick, Watson, the game’s afoot!

Reuters has reported that Britain’s anti-crime forces are setting up a shoe database to nab criminals who hotfoot it from their misdeeds. It is called the “Footwear Intelligence Tool” and will complement the DNA database instituted some ten years ago. Advice for the wicked: go barefoot or wear really heavy sox only.

Reference: Britain creating shoe database Otago (New Zealand) Daily Times, January 31, 2007

—Shoot, this takes the fun out of the whole idea of “escaped on foot”

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Hijinks way out of hand down on the farm

Every year in the South Island town of Balclutha, in New Zealand, they have a big jamboree of games to decide who will get the Woolly Lamb trophy, a fetish of great extrinsic value in these parts. This has gone on for 11 years, with 60 North Otago and South Otago members of the WI (Women’s Institute) squaring off in internecine battle.

The day begins amicably with “tea and mingling.” Then things get serious, as Thelma Turnbull, president of the South Otago federation said: “old-fashioned games, including gumboot throwing, were to be staged over the day.” There is a “host of events” that are judged for points, until a winner can be declared to pick up the Woolly Lamb trophy. Presumably there are no severe injuries or fatalities in this combat.

Reference: Otago WI members to compete for lamb Otago (New Zealand) Daily Times, February 21, 2007

—Incoming gumboots at 10 o’clock high!

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