Inutility
“I SAY IT’S PSALAMI!” CONTRIBUTIONS TO THEOLOGICAL BROUHAHAS
THE SHALLOW POOL SCROLLS
MS. Fragment DIY-U812
From The Book of Jujubees
THE GOSPEL OF TIMMY
“The Parable of the [Weird? Screwed? Dead?] Medlar Pedlar”
Yea, for it came to _____ the last day _____ when an [archangel? archbishop? arch support?] reached out and touched the [good? bad?] shepherd, who was then sore_______. He went to see King Ahauserus to [ask? accuse? reject?] the blighted fig tree, but _________________________ chased by a goose.
Then the prophet __________ clapped him on the [shoulder? thigh?] and said, “Fear not, for I bring you ___________.” And anon the populace stormed the king’s palace and ran them all out of town.
This intriguing ort from the vast banquet of Apocrypha in these tattered books leads one to ask penetrating questions like, “Where did Cain’s wife come from, anyhow?” or “Did all those old geezers commit incest, or what?” or “How come Yaweh didn’t hit the serpent with a big old stick or a hoe?”
Setting all that aside, this lone surviving text from the “ lost” gospel of the apprentice apostle Timmy, from the revered Book of Jujubees, probably copied by a late Assinine Scribe in Ur-Coptic, obliquely helped shape the canon of the New Testament by insuring scriptural avoidance of a similar lack of coherence, quality and simple common sense. Its mere absence from the approved text upped the level of basic literacy by 200%. Luckily, the Church Fathers knew a shaggy dog story when they saw one, and such dross was ruthlessly flung out of those august meetings of our Bible-builders. And amen to that, I say!
—By Westy La Jubba, M.A., D.V.D., Seminaria de Theologico de
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