Inutility
Compiled by M. Hertz DeForest, from his
Found on eBay, included in a box of miscellaneous fabrics and sewing equipment, was this old broadsheet radio schedule (or one page from it), which we present because of its clear historical-cultural interest.
RADIO TYMEZ WEEKLY BROADCASTS, April 2-9, 1947
Kiddee KlapTrap: programming for the very young
The Bertie Bear Hour (30 min., Red Network, Saturday 10 a.m.)
The Bear (played by Snarling Ed McDoodle), his sidekick Slides Salamander (“Plunk your magic banjo, Boss!”), Chas. Chicken and McCoo the Mule have mild adventures, sing crude songs and broadcast from remote locations like Akron, Ohio, and Krum Elbow, Maine. Sponsored by Red Ball Gym Shoes, “For the Footing of Champions.”
Miralee’s
A mawkish farrago of mispronounced Victorian verse, out-of-tune mountain ballads sung in a cracked soprano (with intermittent bagpipe accompaniment), anecdotes of childhood traumas, fairy tales rudely bowdlerized and frequent unfettered sniveling. Sponsored by Farina Fruit Flakes.
The Good Witch Rubber (15 min., CBS, M, W, F 4:30 p.m.)
Tales of a fey heroine (played by superannuated vaudevillian ingénue Sal Hepatica) who works as a masseuse by day while by night she gads about Gotham City righting wrongs and casting low-voltage spells. Music by Phil Spitoony and His Oiled-Girl Sin-Fonia.
It’s Imagio-Time (30 min., Blue Network, M-F 4:30 p.m.)
A romp with a live audience of highly energized pre-schoolers who participate in games, speech contests, singing and disorganized rioting, led by rubber-faced comic Indigo Bunning and his clever assistants, Princess Moonbeam Coldwater Flatt and Klepto the Klown. Very noisy. Sponsored by Kleinfeld’s Zweiback Bread (“Builds gums and teeth thirty-seven ways.”)
Adventures of Li’l Orphan Maximillian (15 min., Paramutuel B.C., M-F 5:00 p.m.)
An engrossing serial tracking the challenges facing an 8-year-old pretender to the throne of
Capt. Bullgoose Luney, U.S.N. (30 min., Hades B.S., T, Th 5:30 p.m.)
Heroic wartime drama on the high seas with the commander of a rust-bucket corvette assigned to sub-polar duty on the high seas along the Greenland Shelf, on patrol to ward off evildoers on the high seas. Thrilling background music played by the Longtimers Symphonette, based on leftover themes by Heck Barrelclothes and Sigmund Rhomboid.
Daytime dramas: programming for the terminally dull
Portia Faces Lice (30 min., Red, White & Blue Network, M-F 12 noon)
The wrenching drama of a young newly-wed suddenly widowed in a western mining town, after losing a war with the cooties, and forced to make her way as a serving wench in a low-down barrelhouse run by the town villain, whilst her three children (by another marriage, to a brute and bully) are sent to a mission school run by Unorthodox Pre-Rechabite Nudists. Sponsored by Rinse-No, the soap you just leave in your clothes.
Just Plain Cholmondeley (30 min., ABC, M-F 1:00 p.m.)
The Barber-Chirurgeon of Heapville, Chum is a good-natured and illiterate oaf taken advantage of by anyone with a mental age over 4. He has an annoying whine in his voice and a vast family of children and in-laws who are all just plain no-good and who live in his upstairs without even a “by your leave.” Disgusting drama, sponsored by Odor-O-No Chemical Cure for Halitosis and B.O.
My Gal Anastasia (15 min., PBS, T-Th 2:15 p.m.)
The story of a young girl trying desperately to break into movies, especially really awful musicals, and the hordes of predatory men who constantly badger her, threaten her and generally give her Technicolor Hell, off-screen. Enhanced by vivid descriptions of those lively and enchanting cinematic scenes you can’t see over your old-fashioned steam-powered radio! No sponsor. Listen soon, it may be gone!
One Man’s Deadbeats (30 min., BBC, Sunday 3:00 p.m.)
Drama of Sam Slipperclause, a goofy nonconformist who has a large family, probably borrowed from Cholmondeley (see above), who taunt and torment him, showing him not one bit of R-E-S-P-E-C-T. He gets even by delivering unbelievably long-winded and boring sermons on family and civic virtues on the day when is he scheduled to hand out their allowances. Sponsored by Grit, the Newspaper Nobody Ever Read.
John’s Other Clone (15 min., FBI, T-Th 2:30 p.m.)
An ahead-of-its-time bit of scientific romance speculating on how to lead a double life through biochemistry. The roles of John Number One, Number Two and Number Three are all played by Clifford Fibbley, and his wife Belle is ably portrayed by Chautauqua star Evelyn Wah. Incidental music by Oskar van Zupp. Sponsored by Idento-Pad Documents.
Rufus Bulfinch, Court Fumigator (1 hr., BSS M-F 4:00 p.m.)
Tedious combination of Sunday School travelogue (cf. “My Trip to
Snella Daggas (30 min., TDS, Wednesday 4:30 p.m.)
Heart-wrenching drama of a poor widow woman making her way in the metropolis and the unending aggravation dished out by her snotty daughter Lillie Babee, who has been raised by wealthy Romanies and dreams of a life riding ocean liners and sponging off anyone at hand. Just to hear Snella moan and whimper about scrubbing floors and picking oakum on her knees all day long is enough to give anyone the pip, let me tell you! Sponsored by Red Star Beluga Caviar.
Umbriogo! She’s a-da-No Good! (15 min., BPI, M-F 3:00 p.m.) (formerly known as Life with Macaroni)
Hilarious ethnic comedy of Italian crust-polisher Macaroni Eyetee and his family of eleven, all rendered in impenetrable accents learned at high-class vaudeville houses. Features frequent singing of native songs, with Pastagaloupe’s Tarantella Orchestra. Sponsored by Cameleopard Cigarettes, “For the Breath of Health—Cameleopards Mean the Best Tobacco!”
Mary Noogin, Backstairs Wretch (30 min., DBS, M-F 4:30 p.m.)
Story of a humble cleaning lady who rises to become vice-president of the Melonville 3rd National Bank by devious plots, extortion, criminal exorcism, misfeasance, malfeasance, mopery and theft by taking. Written by two former members of the Ohio Bar and vetted by Mr. District Attorney (when he has time) for legal authenticity. Recommended to students of correspondence-school law programs. Sponsored by Doughnuts, the Pastry with the Hole in It.
Another item, culled from a fairly large archive of old TV Guides, kept on hand by the
From TV Guide, March 20, 1954
8:00 p.m. Channel 5 (NDC)
The Adventures of Oddsie and Herbert. Antics of a goofy show-biz family beset by domestic vicissitudes. Tonight: The new washing machine explodes, killing Herbert, while sons Darvon and Ickie look on, amused.
30 min.
8:30 p.m. Channel 3 (
This Is Your Wife. Surprise biography gimmick, reuniting separated couples against their wills. Often results in fistfights, lawsuits and renewed domestic violence. Hilarious!
60 min.
9:00 p.m. Channel 4 (BMA)
Ze Beeg Game. Quiz show featuring cash prizes bigger than the national budget of
30 min.
9:30 p.m. Channel 2 (PDQ)
Fabulous G.E. Drama Half-Hour. Original play by Rob Starling, “Secrets of Doodleville,” traces ironic tale of a meek barber who becomes a serial bigamist, mandolin player and pool shark under the influence of a patent-medicine liver tonic. Burgess Meredith plays all 13 roles.
30 min.
10:00 p.m. Channel 3 (
Mr. I.Q. Genial guy without advanced education hosts quiz show for dolts, dispensing stale candy bars and staler vaudeville gags, with a maximum pay-off of 50 shiny new half-dollars.
30 min.
10:30 p.m. Channel 5 (NDC)
Have Grub, Will Travel. Western featuring sous-chef/gunfighter Durk Knight (Alex Windhover), who travels Kansas and Colorado in the 1870s, dispensing six-gun justice and haute cuisine in equal measure. Musical interludes by seductive chanteuse Hildebrand, accompanied by the Orchestre de Nouvelle Cliquot Club Esquimaux.
30 min.
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