Luminance 
I was scheduled to sing a solo/antiphonal with the Adult Choir at the Christ
Now in those days, no decent woman ever went to Church without a foundation garment (vulgarly called a girdle). I was no exception, and despite the 90+ degree heat and 99% humidity, dutifully wrestled myself into said garment. I am not exaggerating when I use the word "wrestle." Made of really thick rubber, these were the 20th century's answer to the chastity belt.
Distracted and trying to hurry, I failed to notice that I had taken the first door to the right, instead of the second, to the lady's room. I heaved and struggled and finally persuaded the rubber monstrosity to slide below my hips, where it formed a giant rubber band that seized and held my legs together like a vise.
At this point I realized I had made a terrible mistake. Spotting the urinal beside the toilet was my first clue.
Hysterical, I tugged at the blasted rubber binding me like a morning newspaper. Nothing doing. It would not budge, neither up nor down. Of course, I was sweating like a horse, all the while thinking how I could explain myself if a gentleman dropped in. Finally in desperation, I made a kind of pitiful hopping move toward the door. Standing well behind it, I managed to pry open the outer choir room door and bellow "Judith! Come out here. Immediately!” at the top of my considerable lungs.
After squalling for Judith, I retreated like a hermit crab back inside my prison.
Naturally, when Judith stuck her head into the choir room and saw no one, she made the sensible query, "Glenda, where are you?"
I snapped back, "In the men's room, and don't ask questions, just get in here and close the door!" She came in, closing the door quickly behind her, and asked, "What's wrong?" Then she saw the girdle and fell about laughing. In my current emotional state, I did not find this helpful.
When she finally caught her breath, she began tugging at one side of the offending garment, while I yanked the other side. Nothing budged. I started to think perhaps we could just cover the lump with a choir robe, but discarded this plan, since I was unable to walk. Judith, a woman of strong body and mind, gave one last tremendous tug, and the rubber lashed up and out, trapping her hand inside my girdle.
That was the last straw! I gasped out, "Judith, if that door opens now, we will have to leave town. There is no way on earth we could ever explain this," and I burst into laughter.
We finally got the damn thing up, and I scrambled into my choir robes just as the choir departed for the sanctuary. I can't recall whether I sang well or poorly. ###
Kustm Kollages by W Schafer 2007
And now Glenda puts the hot, hot, hot in Carmen Miranda fashion accessorage! Carmen, Sophia & Me (click ye).
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