The Journal of Provincial Thought

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Reader Gloria Flukett, of Maplehurst, Rhode Island:  Is it OK these days to just split an infinitive or two, when no one is looking?

G.:  No, for God’s sake, because someone “these days” is always looking!  Don’t you know about the NSA, CIA, FBI, BVD, SOS and the Witch-Finder General?  It was never, ever “OK” to split infinitives, because:  1) so doing inevitably spoils the rhythm of prose, 2) so doing dislocates an infinitive verb into fragments, so the teeny “to” floats off like an orphan abandoned in a Victorian novel.  Try not to casually do it or it becomes a cocaine-like habit without the pleasant euphoria. 

Reader Lyle N. Mantooth, of Cordwood, South Dakota:  I have a bet with a fellow assay-office worker that the little brass plaque on his desk that reads “Eschew Obfuscation!” is a meaningless phrase invented by some kurta-shirt in India.  Am I right?

G.:  I assume your new senator out there has confiscated all the dictionaries in the state to solidify the massive Republican subversion of the Great Plains.  Try using one of the dreadful dictionaries available on-line, then (but avoiding Wikidicty), to check the meaning of 1) “eschew” and 2) “obfuscation.”  What am I, your word-wallah?

Reader Suzelletta McSnade, of Whipple, South Carolina:  My 7^th-grade teacher, Miss Eulalia Cornwallace, forbidded us to end a sentence with a proposition, which I never understood the purpose of.  Can you explain what it is for?

G.:  Where to begin?  You need to repeat 7^th grade.  We who write something approaching English-American prose try not to end a sentence with a preposition (note spelling/meaning), because it creates a potential reading glitch (or it did when people were actually able to read attentively), thus:  “It was his arrogance I referred to.  When I think of it I boil.”  Fast or bad readers may easily conflate this into one sentence:  “It was his arrogance I referred to when I think of it I boil.”  People speak sentences constantly with prepositional periods, but that’s another kettle of terminology beyond your (or Miss Cornwallace’s) slender grasp.

Reader Jonothan Carfax, of Sand Spit, Connecticut:  Where do you get off telling me I can’t use as many explanation points as I want!!  Or put quotient marks around any old words or phrases???  I think this is still a “democracy,” and I have the rite to do what I want according to The U.S. Constituance, don’t I?

G.:  No, no and no.  And spell your own name right, please!

If you have a semantic emergency, a grammatical crux or a semiological conundrum, don’t be afraid to send it to Dr. Grammaticus:  remember, he’s not a real doctor!  He has a certificate in sentence diagramming from The Akron Institute of Verbiage.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it was told to me that if i want the same kind of good lovin that the p'fessor gets, which who wouldn't, I need to act more like him instead of a monkey. I kid you not. Who would say something like that to me if they saw the kind of work I do here at the J P T? It's ME has to keep HIM in line all the time, and that's just what I told this ol gal with the buck teeth I was datin. There I was at the restraunt, first date I been on in six point three billion years, and instead of talkin about ME all she can do is throw HIM up in my face. I felt like slappin the fool out of her--pardon my French-- right there in Shoney's but they always blame the guy, right? Like it's our fault that gals don't have the jones to bring it. Really, I don't ever hit a woman, cause my mom was a woman, and any woman might be or might gonna be somebody's mother, if they do what it takes. I'm just sayin what I felt like, I'm sure you've been there. What I did do was tell her kiss my white money-makin A-ess-ess, and I left her the bill and lookin for a bus ride home. I'm feeling a little better now, fact I'll probly give her a call this evenin. I'd still like to get in there, if she can ix-nay that Grammaticus and monkey stuff. I'll turn on the ol charrrrm alarm, baby! Wooo! I smell action traction! Some guys find teeth like that sexy, kinda physicly alluring, specially if she's bold. That's true of any defect. Look at these in-demand fashion models with the warts.

I was going to add some replies to these readers questions myself, but I can't deal with that right now. You'll just have to go with the Grammbo. --Notice how STOOPID some of this mush is people talk about? As a main copyboy just one step from dealing directly with the public, I see it all. They better get their head out of their keesters and start thinkin about al-Kyda.

Don't let me bum you out, but I've heard from somebody who oughta know that my JOB's on the line. We'll see how that goes. I've got dirt on everybody here, and I don't go down alone. You might be interested to know how I got this job in the first place.

And now a word from our sponsor, ladies and gentlemen.

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