By Weenies v. Buns: We herein protest the blatant behavior of certain food monopolists, viz., the International Sausage and Potted Meat Combine and the British Bun & Bap Cartel, in their constant and flagrant abuse of consumer confidence. We refer to the ancient corrupt practice of packaging sausages and their allied kindred (brats, bangers, winnies, ring baloney, hotdogs, etc.) in odd-numbered lots (1,3, 5 . . .) while bread products are packaged universally in even-numbered cadres (2,4,6 . . . ). The mismatch inevitably causes a leftover of one kind of food ingredient or the other, necessitating buying (say) another batch of 7 sausages just to use up the 2 buns, etc., ad infinitum. The U.S. Office of Offal-Tube & Forcemeat Standards and the Breadmasters’ Guild of Protocol are both onboard with us to enforce a boycott of meat-managers and pastry-producers who flout the will of ordinary grocery patrons on the streets, boulevards or avenues of civilized centers everywhere. Join the protest today—you have nothing to lose but your odd lots of leftover weenies and/or buns!
Good to the Last Drop Dept.: Now is the time to join the Total War Against Domestic Terror. The Institute for Home/Land Security is offering a free fingerprint ID kit, easy to use and maintain, to test those inevitable refrigerated items—bottles, cans, Tupperware boxes, old cartons—that contain but ONE lonely content—a dessicated olive, rancid pickle, one glug of stale milk, one abandoned deviled egg, a shriveled sardine in a sticky pool of sauce—left by the shameless household fiend who thinks or says: “I will not be the one who eats or drinks the LAST ____________ (fill in, as appropriate: dessicated olive, rancid pickle, one glug of stale milk, one abandoned deviled egg, shriveled sardine in a sticky pool of sauce).” Now you can find and identify this all-too-familiar household terrorist for once and all. This is the moment for all good householders to hold the line against orphaned revenants dying in fridges, freezers, iceboxes . . . see the email site freefinger@terror.oops
Plastic Packaging a Kommie Konspiracy! Marx and Engels, in their 1847 assessment of Britain as a burgeoning industrial powerhouse, said, “We have only to crush the relentless drive for work in the miserable British wage-slave and we shall defeat forever the malevolent force of Kapital!” While they could not accomplish this by publishing a book the size and weight of a large footstool, the forces of 20th century technology easily brought it to pass by packaging every kind of home tool and device in bulletproof molded plastic—the DIY revolution was stopped in its tracks, and many a home handyman (or –woman) was heard to mutter, “I nearly cut off my thumb just trying to get that sh*tty plastic off my stove bolts [or hinges, screws, nails, even rope!].” Denizens of big-box home-improvement stores are marked for life with cuts, contusions, bruises, all gained in an unequal struggle with little plastic shells. Tools and blueprints molder in abandoned workshops. Rust eats away new tools, neighborhood taverns are crowded with once-happy home workers who have turned to the oblivion of cheap booze for consolation. Shame!
Don’t Forget to Spay or Neuter Your Cats & Dogs—so pleaded Gameshow Guru and (literally) immortal TV persona Bob Barker. Petomania is way out of hand, as the sheer volume of roving household animals threatens to drive us off the continents of our home planet. It could be as dire as the situation foretold by plucky British travel-adventure writer W.E. Bowman in his classic The Cruise of the Talking Fish (1957):
I am writing this on top of my cabin, where we have retreated to
escape the cats. They are now feet deep on the deck, doing things more
quickly than ever. Somewhere amidst the seething mass kittens are being
born at an unprecedented rate, and Batters is getting all the suffering he
could ask for. There is nothing we can do about it. Even if we could
agree to throw them overboard it is too late to do so; they have turned vicious
and it is as much as we can do to defend ourselves against them. At their
present rate of breeding they will overflow us in a day or two, and that will
be the end.
A plausible vision indeed of an all-too-likely future for humankind without remedy. Act today to neutralize the threat of mass pet invasions!
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