Inutility
Following are models or do-it-yourself templates which citizens are urged to copy and use for purposes of vexing those organizations that infest the Republic with noxious orthodoxies and ideologies. Alter them to fit your special circumstances, and be sure to insert sentimental and heart-wringing details. Employ every tool of rhetoric that may help you help us rid our glorious commonwealth of vermin.
Letter to National Taxpayer’s
Neolithic Torys
Date
Dear _____________:
I am writing because I have seen your informational literature and wish to join you in your great crusade to subvert the economy and the political fabric of the
Keep it up! I, for one, am sick and tired of being dunned by branches of government of whose existence I have been ignorant. No one has bothered to ask me if I want to pay taxes, and frankly I don’t. I think of many things that I need to own or to do, which require quite large amounts of ready cash. And as you so often point out, government is wasteful and ineffective, and they offer services that I don’t need—being without children, I could care less about schools and education, as a bachelor, I don’t have use for family services, and I have no real need of medical aid.
So, I’m with you 100% of the way, and I like to see you getting tough and sarky with the forces of bureaucracy. I never could abide a pencil pusher. I have worked hard to get where I am, and I don’t want to see anyone getting ahead of me because they get handouts from the government.
Let’s find more like-minded folk to help us cut back on any support of the government, and maybe we can go somewhere and build a better society. It makes me sick to hear people whining about the “state of the poor” or “level playing fields” or “help for the handicapped.” Nature has equipped every one of us to compete in the great game of life, and the government has no right to meddle with market forces and the operation of trickle-down economics.
Let me know how I can help! I have enclosed a dollar ($1) to aid your great work. I would appreciate any cogent advice on how I could invest all the money I save from not paying taxes, and I’m not averse to taking a big risk, if you know what I mean. (It doesn’t have to be too strictly legal, so long as it works!)
Keep up the struggle! Reverse the cash flow! Get government’s hand out of our pockets! Help the oppressed rich!
Yours for freedom from tax bills,
[uh-- Louie-on-the-Left?]
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Letter to Right-to-Life groups,
anti-abortion campaigners, etc.
Date
Dear ______________________,
I have admired your stance on the right to life and the opposition to a “culture of death,” as you (or someone else) has called it. I, too, am much committed to this idea. I note that you spend a lot of time squabbling about abortion and those things, but my special interest is in abolition of the death penalty.
I would like to join with you in fiercely opposing the execution of supposed criminals for a large number of alleged “crimes.” The idea of states or governments ending citizens’ lives is as repugnant to me as it is to you. I believe that every life deserves a chance, and no one should snuff a life out for arbitrary reasons of law or principle. To execute a helpless prisoner is to still a beating heart, and I am sure your God is opposed to that!
Join with me in direct action of picketing, protesting and demonstrating at the prisons and statehouses of all states so retrograde as to practice capital punishment. Help me organize citizens to oppose the barbaric practice of strangling, drugging, gassing or shooting our citizenry under the guise of “criminal justice.”
I have enclosed a dollar ($1) to help you in your great work, provided that you spend it only on projects that oppose execution. I would like to hear how we together can begin this great work, but it will mean that you need to set aside the foolish fixation on abortion, etc. I am sure we can find a common ground on which we can push forward the idea of a right to life for all
Yours for a better society,
[uh-- Louie-on-the-Left?]
Letter to Pat Robertson,
Jerry Falwell, Jerry Lee
Lewis’s cousin and other
media evangelists
Date
Dear __________________,
I have often watched your TV programs and those of a lot of other preachers, and I note that you often talk about being “born again.” I have become quite curious about this process and would like to undertake it, once I understand how it all works.
Is this a physical process, and does it have anything to do with the birth canal? I don’t think I grasp the mechanics of the act, though I see many people testifying that they have done it. I don’t mean to seem overly skeptical, but it seems like quite a stretch (in all senses) to understand it.
Enclosed is a dollar ($1) to underwrite your good work. Keep it up! But I think you owe some explanations to viewers who are not skilled in theology or religious studies. I keep thinking about this “born again” business. Do you have to go all the way back to infancy, or could you just lose a few decades? I’d like to be 16 or 17 again, I tell you! Is there some way to choose an age that might be most attractive? I can see that not a few people would pay a good bit of money and sign up to try it. I’d be happy to buy into your organization, if you can set up something like Born Again Tours, or a Born Again resort or theme park. Born
If you can answer some of my questions about how to go about being born again, its duration and the after-effects, I would be most grateful. For instance, does this state wear off? I hate those stories where someone is granted a wish for eternal life, and then they find out they forgot to include eternal youth and stuff like that. (I really hate the ones where the guy is turned into a donkey or a rock or something.) It’s a real downer to think about getting born again and then finding out it’s a lethal process. Please advise.
Keep up the good work, and don’t let the bastards grind you down!
Yours for a new life,
[uh-- Louie-on-the-Left?]
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Letter to the American
Enterprise Institute and
other fogey think-tanks
Date
Dear ________________,
I applaud your good works, and I am trying now to put into practice a lot of theories that people have told me about the free market, trickle-down economics, free trade, etc. I want to start a pet shop, and I hope you can tell me a guaranteed, sure-fire way to make a lot of money very quickly with it. I have only modest funds to invest, but my brother-in-law manages a strip mall and I could get a prime location there dirt cheap.
I chose pets because I’ve always loved dogs, cats, birds, lizards, etc., and I think they wouldn’t be too much work to maintain. My main objective is to get really rich really soon. I have been working at several jobs, but I want a piece of the American Dream by owning my own pet shop. Everyone says that most small businesses fail, but I want to succeed. What is the real secret of success?
Now I don’t care if I have to cut some corners, if you know what I mean. There are other pet stores in town but I think I can out-compete them. I have always been a hard worker, and I love to win big! But I don’t like this idea of risk, so I need to know how I can get into this cheap and make giant bucks soon. I especially want to get around a lot of government regulations, by-laws and restraints, so I can rake in the money and not be eaten up by taxes and stuff.
I have sent along one dollar ($1) to aid you in your good work. Please contact me with whatever sound advice you can spare, and I will be sure to credit you in all my TV commercials, newspaper ads, etc. I will also share profits, if you have good enough advice, but we’ll have to work that out on paper.
Keep up our fight! Throw the rascals out! Make sure
Yours for better business,
[uh-- Louie-on-the-Left?]
Letter to cryogenics companies
Date
Dear ______________,
I am very interested in life after so-called “death,” and I hope you can answer some of my questions and show me how I can be preserved after medical science gives up on me. I understand that by freezing people, even just their brains, you can start them up again when there’s a cure for cancer or MS or whatever it is that’s killing them.
I’d like to sign up for this, but I don’t get how it works. I would think freezing would be very painful, and I don’t see how you can just get a person’s head started up again. I know you’ll put it on some new body (do I have a choice of size, shape, race. etc.?), but it’s scary to think about a live head without a body even for a little while. Whose body gets used, and how do I know it’s in like-new condition? Once you get started up, do you have to get whole new memories and education all over again? Or maybe you remember all the stuff about dying, being frozen, being woken up again. I’m not sure I like either possibility. I keep thinking about “booting up” my computer, but I don’t know if that is even relevant.
If you do have to get educated and get a lot of new life experience, do you start out again as a child? I’d hate to be a 56-year-old kindergartener. Please let me know the details of this process and how you can guarantee it will be successful. If it’s a long time in the future, you people may all be dead. Or are you signed up for your own treatment, so you can keep the company going, be there in the future and meet all your obligations? I’d like to read a copy of the contract, and get my lawyer to have a look-see.
Keep up your good work, and don’t let people like evangelists put you down! I know they think they have a corner on the immortal life business, but you need to keep them honest with your free market competition. It’s what made
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours for eternal life through freezing,
[uh--Louie-on-the-Left?]
Also for Louie-on-the-Left and his legions of stamp troopers may we say,
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