Gone for a
Once upon a time the beer magnates of
RAF fliers in World War II adopted the slogan to refer euphemistically to comrades shot down or crashed: “gone for a burton,” they murmured, when they saw the empty chair in the mess hall. From such a modest beginning sprang a great modern campaign to make the world safe for war by euphemism. In these days of strain and crisis, we must remember the resolute stiff-upper-lipness and cool reserve of the doughty Few to help us keep the war out of sight and out of mind.
During the Battle of Britain, the doughty Few learned to parse the war. Early on, they said such shocking, disturbing things as: “Old Teddy pranged his Spit[fire] right into the runway at Old Warden at 350 mph.,” or “I saw McNulty explode over Aylesford after taking a couple of 20 mm. rounds,” or “Then Smathers’ crate caught fire, rolled over and fell into the Thames. No parachute.” Such talk promoted downheartedness and general malaise.
However, when edicts came down from Fighter Command about lip-maintenance and morale, they learned how to talk about the war: “I think Teddy walked away,” and “McNulty probably got thrown clear—luck of the Irish!” and “Smathers was a strong swimmer, I heard.” An improvement of 100%!
Do your part! Learn some simple phrases that make it possible for everyone to live comfortably with modern war.
DON’T SAY: We fired mortar and RPG rounds into the compound, which eviscerated and burned scores of innocent civilians, mainly women and children.
DO SAY: We responded to an unprovoked terrorist attack by returning fire, in which exchange unavoidable collateral damage occurred.
DON’T SAY: Today we lost 13 Marine and National Guard troops in separate suicide attacks. In addition, 34 troops were sent to hospital with severe injuries.
DO SAY: In a strong sweep operation, Marine and National Guards units engaged Al-Quaeda terrorist guerilla forces and emerged victorious.
DON’T SAY: A platoon of special forces troops today admitted they staged an ambush that went wrong, in which 22 Iraqi police were killed or wounded.
DO SAY: In a cooperative raid, Iraqi police and
Note the non-specificity of the right-hand columns’ soothing prose, the use of non-attributable passive voice, the sheer absence of fact. Learn and use such phrases as “collateral damage,” “friendly fire,” “minor losses,” “superficial injuries,” etc. Avoid rude, blunt facts and figures that confuse lay people and civilians. Invoke “security reasons” or “aid and comfort to the enemy” (more currently “embolden the enemy”) if challenged or questioned.
If we all do our parts, we can make war a viable possibility for coming generations of Americans and maintain our precious heritage of overseas intervention, Cold War and democratization at gunpoint. REMEMBER; ONLY YOU CAN PRESERVE OUR INALIENABLE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS AND WAGE WAR!
If anyone asks where our recruits have gone, remember; GONE FOR A
War-Lovers Association, in cooperation with Old Soldiers’ League for War and Plunder, who still say, “Let’s all go barmy and join the army!”
| jptArchive Issue 5 |
| Copyright 2008- WJ Schafer & WC Smith - All Rights Reserved |
| The Journal of Provincial Thought |
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