(APU) Flash from
Police Capt. Simon Garfinckle today admitted that his squad has gone “taser happy,” in the wake of nationally televised taserings of impudent college students, drunken housewives, surly motorists and other notorious malefactors. He said, “It is regrettable how impressionable and easily swayed young police recruits are nowadays.”
Over the past five months, 18 cases of “subdued” prisoners have been registered in teeny Melonville (pop. 736), after being awarded 60,000 volts of taxpayer-paid juice via a police-issue taser gun. Garfinckle explained that the Melonville Peace & Security Squad received the taser guns through a “generous” grant from the Department of Homeland Security, on their advice. “They said we’d have to taser any Ol’ Kweedo or Red Commie terrists who attacked Melonville,” Capt. Garfinckle earnestly averred.
The town has also passed a “required carry” law as demanded by the National Rifle Association (NRA) in its latest campaign to arm every small town and rural enclave “against the day,” as NRA flack Alain LaFrankish said in many speeches. This local statute means that every householder must own either: 1) a smooth-bore musket, as preferred by the writers of the 2nd Amendment; 2) a large-clip, large-bore handgun with dum dum ammunition; 3) a military rifle easily adjusted for full-automatic fire; 4) a domesticized “Streetsweeper”-type sawed-off shotgun.
Added to this arsenal recently was the Sure-Fire Thunderbolt Tazer-Gunne 60,000, manufactured and guaranteed by NRA Gunnutzwerks, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the gun-packers’ lobby. This hi-quality weapon was made expressly for simple household use and can be recharged at the wall after use. Instruction manual included. User-satisfaction surveys have indicated 9 out of 10 householders owning this taser indicated “very high satisfaction” with its use.
The chief identified several tasered arrestees as “troublemakers” and “chronic whiners.” He added ominously, “They had it coming.” However, he admitted that several arrests were “uncertain,” and said he was retraining his six-man and one-woman squad to use the taser as “a choice of last resort,” pointing out that “we’ve had decades of solid success with pepper spray, the standard 36-inch solid-oak baton and just plain leather gloves, put to good use.” Garfinckle vowed that Homeland Security would “get their darn money’s worth out of Melonville” and that “no dirty Islamo-Fascist swine is gonna hide out here in hawg heaven!” What a character! ###
—Justa Wanker, for the APU wire
Implement -550-4 subject Justa Wanker and proceed with Replacement final paragraph, Taser Nation article:
The chief identified several tasered arrestees as “troublemakers” and “chronic whiners.” He added ominously, “They had it coming.” However, he admitted that several arrests were “uncertain,” and said he was retraining his six-man and one-woman squad to use the taser as “a choice of last resort,” pointing out that “we’ve had decades of solid success with pepper spray, the standard 36-inch solid-oak baton and just plain leather gloves, put to good use.” What a character! ###
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