________________________________________________

Where’s Saxo?  Prof. Saxo Grammaticus, legendary guru of usage and sentence structuring, billed “The Human Harbrace” on the television discussie-circuit, has not appeared in his jpt dressing room, nor has his ghostly Stradivarius fiddle been heard weeping through the wings and over the terraces, since the Thanksgiving yogurt gala.  Our staff psy-chicks report that he yet lives (reliability 81% ± 7.3% he hasn’t gone for a Burton), but remote viewers have had no success pinpointing a position.  A bad smell rising from the geothermal array was traced to an incredibly unfortunate thrush.  The Professor’s newly renegotiated contract runs through 2013—a year beyond the widely projected end of the world—and provides attractive bonus guarantees for continued ratings success, topping a base salary that, quite frankly, no other organization can match.  A dramatic defection therefore seems unlikely. 

Theories for this regrettable and costly hiatus abound.  A retreat for sexual healing.  Field consultation with his pesky and aggressive clients the Undocumented Alpaca Breeders of Colorado.  An undercover stint for Uncle Sam to suborn Russian strongman Vladimir Putin’s greedy lieutenants.  A third attempt to circumnavigate the planet in a “cloud suit” fashioned from a shimmering fabric allegedly spirited away from the infamous Studio 54 crash site of an extraterrestrial craft.  Therapeutic mountain-clearing, ditch-digging and deep breathing.  Theories expressed in multiple languages on paper, cassette tape, CD and vinyl.  Theories that might as well be leniency-pleas to the IRS for all they avail.  Enough with the theories already; where in Tonacacihuatl's tortured name is Saxo?  The email room is going out of its nut trying to handle all the queries on participial phraseology, subject-verb agreement, and topics of a more intimate character.  GRAMMATICUS, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE READING THIS, YOU’D BETTER BOP YOUR BUM BACK TO THE BIZ HERE AND EARN THAT CHAMPAGNE YOU’RE OUT THERE SHOWERING ON YOUR DAMES AND DEBUTANTES WITH ALL THE ABANDON OF A ONE-HIT POP SCHLOCK PHENOM.  We love you, Professor.  You are loved, needed, and highly paid.  Please.  Respect the emotion.  Respect the compensation.  Your personal escort is always at attention here at jpt, your private entrance held at your favorite temperature and lighting, perpetually pulsing with the tasteful tunes of bygone eras, just like you like.  Like?  As?  O, DO PLEASE COME HOME SOON!

_______________________________________________

Ladies and gentlemen, as you digest speculations that Professor Grammaticus might have taken retreat to recuperate from male exhaustion, I must announce that your regular segue conductor has been detained by police and will not be here in the cannon turret as usual.

Alan Edjer Pee, reads the news, . . . nhhh nhhh nhhh . . . 200 block of Oswald Lane . . . That's him . . . . . .Journal of Provincial Thought . . . Oh, god . . .

. . .Pee was arrested on charges of public indecency and stalking ... He's had those issues come up before... resisting arrest . . . unlawful flight . . . obscenity toward and intimidation of a peace officer . . . wanton endangerment . . . surreptitious remaining . . . Three or four other counts listed here. You know, as they say, this duddn' surprise me at all.

Thus time and tide have saved us from a bit of unpleasantness of our own, as Alan's dismissal may be stricken from the priority sheet. He had become something of an asinine bullyboy around the water cooler, a lurdan of a thousand evils, a poster-child for the taser industry. May he rot in peace in some thrice-daily-blackjacking dehabilitation facility paid for with black-budget funds, forever invisible to oversight, undiscoverable in the public record. May his would-be attorneys slip and fall in their own body slime and never again craft a lucid petition. Alan Edjer Pee, former jpt copyboy and albatross, dark blot and pariah of the e-journal industry: Turn your ill-spent time to finding yourself, so that you will have to suffer the company of said self until, like the innocents whom you have burdened, you suffer tremendous disgust. This is my New Year's hope for you, podnah.  Take it and swivel on it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a word from our sponsors.

jptArchive Issue 5

Copyright 2008- WJ Schafer & WC Smith - All Rights Reserved

The Journal of Provincial Thought

luminance

jptArchive Issue 5

Grammaticus Missing